That's me!
So much going on, and all of it stressing me out. Where shall I start?
My health-having a pain, which I am self-diagnosing as ovarian cancer...in most worst moments anyway. I like to think of myself as psychiatrically savvy (do I? Really?) or at least a little bit ...what is the word?? not perseverant.. .remumeriance? that's not a word.. RESILIENT! whew. That was gonna bug me. But when it comes to my health, I am such a pussy. Even though I tell myself all day "It's probably nothing...you'll be fine... this has happened before" in between telling everyone around me "I"M DYING! UGH!" I do get increcibly stressed out when something is wrong with my health. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow morning and am equally stressed out about that, probably because the last time I went to the doctor, she said to me "Well, You're not giving me a lot to go on. I don't know what's wrong with you."
Grrr.. But to be fair that was before I switched to Dr. T, who I love. He has been good to me and I secretly want to marry him, even though he's quite a bit older than me and not particularly attractive. But anyway, he's nice. The problem now is that I have a LOT of symptoms and I'm pretty convinced that most of them are related to stress. However, there is one symptom that I've had for a while, which though may have been exacerbated by stress, was present several months ago. ANYWAY, enough about my aches and pains.
So work is totally stressful. In - sometimes - a kind of cool way. There is this culture of overworking there, that sometimes I buy into, and get a kick out of. There's also a lot of psychological head games that go on, mostly started by alpha bitches who were mistakenly given vaginas instead of penises when God handed out parts. I've never seen so many allpha bitches in my life actually. But you know what, I'm not changing. Fuck them.
What else? Well.. I've been tutoring someone, which has been the most incredible experience probably ever in my lfie. I love it. I feel so natural and wonderful and helpful. And it makes me look at my day job like it's a red headed stepchild and I'm a blonde, if you know what I mean. Which in a weird way, is kind of stressful.
And I've been making jewelry, and it's becoming a bit of an obsession. And I've been working on my book, but not so much. And I'm wiped out. So tired. And not exercising, but losing oodles of weight on weight watchers. 10 pounds so far and I feel gosh darn it, pretty normal looking right now, which is an improvement from feeling like a blow up doll characature of myself.
And I have a new boss! Who is my friend. And I thought it woudl be weird (as did everyone else) but it's actually great. And my marriage, well, is getting to be a little weird. it was kind of great for a while. And now I feel very detached from him. We're both so busy. And I know I should work on it, but I get tired sometimes.
And.... I know I should post more often so I don't overwhelm with 16 page long posts, but gosh, life is busy.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
SOOOOO tired of Type As
Ya know... I like to think of myself as a strong woman. I was definitely a feminist growing up. I always, and continue to think that women should go after their goals, not letting things like society, men, whatever get in their way. But holy mother of god, do women have to be so effing aggressive? UGH! My workplace is swimming in Type A women, who all seem to have something to prove. They're all go-getters and have to always be right and always have to win. It's exhausting having to keep up with them.
Sigh... I am an introvert, Ok? And, personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Secretly, I actually think that it's a superior way of being. Do I tell everyone that? No. Do I insinuate that? No. I let extroverted Type A er..um... women go about their business, being their bossy ass selves, trying my best not to pass judgement. But ya know what, it's getting on my effing nerves.
It's bad enough that I feel like I have to be an aggressive, Type A bitch just to survive, and certainly to be respected at work. I leave the office feeling like a different person. And I feel bad about that. And it makes me feel even worse, when I get praised for this behavior. Like before I was sitting in a corner sucking my thumb, holding my blanket and letting everyone walk all over me. But NOW I'm asserting myself! I have confidence! I have grown! Oh they are so proud of me. I've become one of them! ANd now we can battle every day about who is right. What fun!
ARRGGHH. I come home and I drink now. (Ok, yeah, I know. I always came home and drank, but it used to be JUST BECAUSE I LIKED DRINKING!) (I'm 1/8 Irish after all). (and roughly 1/2 german). But anyway... I'm just basically irritated at American society in general for valuing aggression and belittling nice happy traits like ..oh what's it called?... uh... compromising! and like working together! Shit like that. Being nice to each other. coming up with a consensus. I can't fucking deal.
I'm going through other issues today. Jealousy for one. Trying to control it. I'm never going to be the most popular girl. It's ok! Why can't I accept this? I swear...some days I feel like all I do is just give myself one pep talk after another. And it's sort of exhausting, but yet I feel like it's progress. At one time, I would have wallowed in self pity. Now I fight it. And I think that's a good thing. Self pity should be fought at all costs. On the other hand, I think it's perfectly ok to hold a grudge toward someone who has (inadvertently perhaps) hurt your feelings. Dead to me. That's all I have to say.
: ) Well I feel better. I've been assigned a client to tutor and I am so far out of my comfort zone that if the earth were my comfort zone, I would be in an unknown galaxy right now. It's about time, right? I've lived my little protected isolated life long enough. I'm going out there and I'm gonna do some good! Screw comfort. Life is short.
And finally, pep talk #72 today - I really am so lucky. I have everything I've ever really wanted. So I thank the Universe for that. And I will keep my eyes on the prize - helping people, writing what seems like a never ending novel, battling for the type b people in the world, and trying not to feel bad at myself for being the person I am.
That is all.
Sigh... I am an introvert, Ok? And, personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Secretly, I actually think that it's a superior way of being. Do I tell everyone that? No. Do I insinuate that? No. I let extroverted Type A er..um... women go about their business, being their bossy ass selves, trying my best not to pass judgement. But ya know what, it's getting on my effing nerves.
It's bad enough that I feel like I have to be an aggressive, Type A bitch just to survive, and certainly to be respected at work. I leave the office feeling like a different person. And I feel bad about that. And it makes me feel even worse, when I get praised for this behavior. Like before I was sitting in a corner sucking my thumb, holding my blanket and letting everyone walk all over me. But NOW I'm asserting myself! I have confidence! I have grown! Oh they are so proud of me. I've become one of them! ANd now we can battle every day about who is right. What fun!
ARRGGHH. I come home and I drink now. (Ok, yeah, I know. I always came home and drank, but it used to be JUST BECAUSE I LIKED DRINKING!) (I'm 1/8 Irish after all). (and roughly 1/2 german). But anyway... I'm just basically irritated at American society in general for valuing aggression and belittling nice happy traits like ..oh what's it called?... uh... compromising! and like working together! Shit like that. Being nice to each other. coming up with a consensus. I can't fucking deal.
I'm going through other issues today. Jealousy for one. Trying to control it. I'm never going to be the most popular girl. It's ok! Why can't I accept this? I swear...some days I feel like all I do is just give myself one pep talk after another. And it's sort of exhausting, but yet I feel like it's progress. At one time, I would have wallowed in self pity. Now I fight it. And I think that's a good thing. Self pity should be fought at all costs. On the other hand, I think it's perfectly ok to hold a grudge toward someone who has (inadvertently perhaps) hurt your feelings. Dead to me. That's all I have to say.
: ) Well I feel better. I've been assigned a client to tutor and I am so far out of my comfort zone that if the earth were my comfort zone, I would be in an unknown galaxy right now. It's about time, right? I've lived my little protected isolated life long enough. I'm going out there and I'm gonna do some good! Screw comfort. Life is short.
And finally, pep talk #72 today - I really am so lucky. I have everything I've ever really wanted. So I thank the Universe for that. And I will keep my eyes on the prize - helping people, writing what seems like a never ending novel, battling for the type b people in the world, and trying not to feel bad at myself for being the person I am.
That is all.
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