Ya know... I like to think of myself as a strong woman. I was definitely a feminist growing up. I always, and continue to think that women should go after their goals, not letting things like society, men, whatever get in their way. But holy mother of god, do women have to be so effing aggressive? UGH! My workplace is swimming in Type A women, who all seem to have something to prove. They're all go-getters and have to always be right and always have to win. It's exhausting having to keep up with them.
Sigh... I am an introvert, Ok? And, personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Secretly, I actually think that it's a superior way of being. Do I tell everyone that? No. Do I insinuate that? No. I let extroverted Type A er..um... women go about their business, being their bossy ass selves, trying my best not to pass judgement. But ya know what, it's getting on my effing nerves.
It's bad enough that I feel like I have to be an aggressive, Type A bitch just to survive, and certainly to be respected at work. I leave the office feeling like a different person. And I feel bad about that. And it makes me feel even worse, when I get praised for this behavior. Like before I was sitting in a corner sucking my thumb, holding my blanket and letting everyone walk all over me. But NOW I'm asserting myself! I have confidence! I have grown! Oh they are so proud of me. I've become one of them! ANd now we can battle every day about who is right. What fun!
ARRGGHH. I come home and I drink now. (Ok, yeah, I know. I always came home and drank, but it used to be JUST BECAUSE I LIKED DRINKING!) (I'm 1/8 Irish after all). (and roughly 1/2 german). But anyway... I'm just basically irritated at American society in general for valuing aggression and belittling nice happy traits like ..oh what's it called?... uh... compromising! and like working together! Shit like that. Being nice to each other. coming up with a consensus. I can't fucking deal.
I'm going through other issues today. Jealousy for one. Trying to control it. I'm never going to be the most popular girl. It's ok! Why can't I accept this? I swear...some days I feel like all I do is just give myself one pep talk after another. And it's sort of exhausting, but yet I feel like it's progress. At one time, I would have wallowed in self pity. Now I fight it. And I think that's a good thing. Self pity should be fought at all costs. On the other hand, I think it's perfectly ok to hold a grudge toward someone who has (inadvertently perhaps) hurt your feelings. Dead to me. That's all I have to say.
: ) Well I feel better. I've been assigned a client to tutor and I am so far out of my comfort zone that if the earth were my comfort zone, I would be in an unknown galaxy right now. It's about time, right? I've lived my little protected isolated life long enough. I'm going out there and I'm gonna do some good! Screw comfort. Life is short.
And finally, pep talk #72 today - I really am so lucky. I have everything I've ever really wanted. So I thank the Universe for that. And I will keep my eyes on the prize - helping people, writing what seems like a never ending novel, battling for the type b people in the world, and trying not to feel bad at myself for being the person I am.
That is all.
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