stressed, drunk, and hypochondriatic

That's me!

So much going on, and all of it stressing me out. Where shall I start?

My health-having a pain, which I am self-diagnosing as ovarian cancer...in most worst moments anyway. I like to think of myself as psychiatrically savvy (do I? Really?) or at least a little bit ...what is the word?? not perseverant.. .remumeriance? that's not a word.. RESILIENT! whew. That was gonna bug me. But when it comes to my health, I am such a pussy. Even though I tell myself all day "It's probably nothing...you'll be fine... this has happened before" in between telling everyone around me "I"M DYING! UGH!" I do get increcibly stressed out when something is wrong with my health. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow morning and am equally stressed out about that, probably because the last time I went to the doctor, she said to me "Well, You're not giving me a lot to go on. I don't know what's wrong with you."

Grrr.. But to be fair that was before I switched to Dr. T, who I love. He has been good to me and I secretly want to marry him, even though he's quite a bit older than me and not particularly attractive. But anyway, he's nice. The problem now is that I have a LOT of symptoms and I'm pretty convinced that most of them are related to stress. However, there is one symptom that I've had for a while, which though may have been exacerbated by stress, was present several months ago. ANYWAY, enough about my aches and pains.

So work is totally stressful. In - sometimes - a kind of cool way. There is this culture of overworking there, that sometimes I buy into, and get a kick out of. There's also a lot of psychological head games that go on, mostly started by alpha bitches who were mistakenly given vaginas instead of penises when God handed out parts. I've never seen so many allpha bitches in my life actually. But you know what, I'm not changing. Fuck them.

What else? Well.. I've been tutoring someone, which has been the most incredible experience probably ever in my lfie. I love it. I feel so natural and wonderful and helpful. And it makes me look at my day job like it's a red headed stepchild and I'm a blonde, if you know what I mean. Which in a weird way, is kind of stressful.

And I've been making jewelry, and it's becoming a bit of an obsession. And I've been working on my book, but not so much. And I'm wiped out. So tired. And not exercising, but losing oodles of weight on weight watchers. 10 pounds so far and I feel gosh darn it, pretty normal looking right now, which is an improvement from feeling like a blow up doll characature of myself.

And I have a new boss! Who is my friend. And I thought it woudl be weird (as did everyone else) but it's actually great. And my marriage, well, is getting to be a little weird. it was kind of great for a while. And now I feel very detached from him. We're both so busy. And I know I should work on it, but I get tired sometimes.

And.... I know I should post more often so I don't overwhelm with 16 page long posts, but gosh, life is busy.

SOOOOO tired of Type As

Ya know... I like to think of myself as a strong woman. I was definitely a feminist growing up. I always, and continue to think that women should go after their goals, not letting things like society, men, whatever get in their way. But holy mother of god, do women have to be so effing aggressive? UGH! My workplace is swimming in Type A women, who all seem to have something to prove. They're all go-getters and have to always be right and always have to win. It's exhausting having to keep up with them.

Sigh... I am an introvert, Ok? And, personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Secretly, I actually think that it's a superior way of being. Do I tell everyone that? No. Do I insinuate that? No. I let extroverted Type A er..um... women go about their business, being their bossy ass selves, trying my best not to pass judgement. But ya know what, it's getting on my effing nerves.

It's bad enough that I feel like I have to be an aggressive, Type A bitch just to survive, and certainly to be respected at work. I leave the office feeling like a different person. And I feel bad about that. And it makes me feel even worse, when I get praised for this behavior. Like before I was sitting in a corner sucking my thumb, holding my blanket and letting everyone walk all over me. But NOW I'm asserting myself! I have confidence! I have grown! Oh they are so proud of me. I've become one of them! ANd now we can battle every day about who is right. What fun!

ARRGGHH. I come home and I drink now. (Ok, yeah, I know. I always came home and drank, but it used to be JUST BECAUSE I LIKED DRINKING!) (I'm 1/8 Irish after all). (and roughly 1/2 german). But anyway... I'm just basically irritated at American society in general for valuing aggression and belittling nice happy traits like ..oh what's it called?... uh... compromising! and like working together! Shit like that. Being nice to each other. coming up with a consensus. I can't fucking deal.

I'm going through other issues today. Jealousy for one. Trying to control it. I'm never going to be the most popular girl. It's ok! Why can't I accept this? I swear...some days I feel like all I do is just give myself one pep talk after another. And it's sort of exhausting, but yet I feel like it's progress. At one time, I would have wallowed in self pity. Now I fight it. And I think that's a good thing. Self pity should be fought at all costs. On the other hand, I think it's perfectly ok to hold a grudge toward someone who has (inadvertently perhaps) hurt your feelings. Dead to me. That's all I have to say.

: ) Well I feel better. I've been assigned a client to tutor and I am so far out of my comfort zone that if the earth were my comfort zone, I would be in an unknown galaxy right now. It's about time, right? I've lived my little protected isolated life long enough. I'm going out there and I'm gonna do some good! Screw comfort. Life is short.

And finally, pep talk #72 today - I really am so lucky. I have everything I've ever really wanted. So I thank the Universe for that. And I will keep my eyes on the prize - helping people, writing what seems like a never ending novel, battling for the type b people in the world, and trying not to feel bad at myself for being the person I am.

That is all.

A posting

So... why don't I post here anymore?

1. I don't think anyone cares
2. I haven't had TOO many illicit thoughts lately
3. Been a bit busy

But what the hell. I'm here now, so I might as well spew something out.

I WANT to have an illicit crush on someone, but gosh darnit, there's just nobody worthy. I've been on a John Irving kick and read "The World According to Garp." After I finished it, I rented the movie from Netflix (doesn't do the book justice, but in all honesty, the car wreck scene kinda ruined the book for me anyway). Anyway, if you haven't read the book, it's about a couple who love each other, but in true 70s style (the book was written in the early 80s) have a few indiscretions. The husband's indiscretions are mostly with babysitters and have no real ill effects. The wife has 1 indiscretion and it ends in one of their child getting killed (it's as much the husband's fault though). So I suppose this is probably what John Irving intended, being a man, but it makes me think about things a little harder. So... there is a totally insignificant guy at work (sort of like the insignificant guy in Garp), who is cute. And young. And so NOT worth risking anything for (I'm sure you know the type). Even in my 3 am fantasies I can barely muster enough passion for him...  but god, I need something to think about at 3 am.

Anyway... I've been working on my novel, and making jewelry, and working out. I ran a 10K recently, which was quite a feat. Now I'm on weight watchers, trying to lose 20 pounds so I can run faster and put less stress on these 36 year old knees and feet.Got a promotion and raise at work, but it's stressful as hell. But life is all in all good. Just booked a Danube river cruise for Thanksgiving. Starts in Budapest and goes to Vienna...ends in Nuremberg. Have a serious travel bug lately.

well... too hungry really to be coherent. I have 11 weeks left on the program and have lost 3 pounds so far... goodnight. (as she passes out)

Not exactly sure

why all of a sudden I feel like blogging again. I wonder if it is good for my writing, bad for my writing, or has nothing to do with it. Anyway, today had some interesting things about it:

- I moved my cubicle at work. I don't necessarily take change all that well and more than once I have freaked out when people have threatened to move me/move other people around me. I think it's just hte feeling that I can't control the situation. This time, I initiated the move. I didn't move far. I just moved out of the "pod." The pod is an open style 4-cube set up where we basically turn our chairs toward each other and chit chat all day. It's not a bad gig. The only down side is that I get ZERO work done. So I said "see ya later" and banished myself to the other side of the pod. Now I'm back in a one person cube and it's sort of a weird experience. It's quiet, for sure. I have no doubt I'll get more done. Yes, I'm a little lonely and am a little afriad that i've hurt people's feelings, but I guess I (and they) will get over it. Mostly, I feel like I've broken up with a long term lover. It's like I need to learn to think for myself again and fare the world on my own. I think it will be good.

- I'm having a cocktail for teh first time in months. I've had plenty of wine in all that time, but no booze. I think I may be over it. But hey, I got the vodka in my yankee swap, so I might as well drink it.

- I started weight watchers (informallly and unofficially) today. I resisted so much fattening sugar-laden disgusting food today that I should get an award. Another good reason to get out of the pod. It's the dumping ground for free food. and the pod at Xmastime is absolutely insane.

- I'm reading a good book about Africa, called Crossing the Heart of Africa.

Oh! I just remembered that I have to post something on my other blog. I ran a 5K last weekend and killed my former time. It's still really slow and I wish I didn't have to say that and I wonder why I even did. Oh well.

- AND I tried root dying my hair for the first time. I was afraid it would look dumb, but I think it turned out ok. Of course it's still wet and the lighting is poor. HOepfully I don't have a dollop of red in the wrong place.

And that's about all the news for the day.

Waiting for Karma to Bite Me

Ok, so I realize that the last post was negative and ranty. At this point, I really am just waiting for karma to bite me in the ass. And so, as of today, December 15, I resolve to take a deep breath, relax, find the good in people (and there is plenty), and get into the damn Christmas spirit.

Ok, so that' probabaly not going to happen. But I will talk about some good stuff, as a starting point. I've been swimming. For years and years and years (decades even) I've wanted to swim. I love being in the water. I just never knew what to do once I was in the water. It's been on my list forEVER to learn to swim, but I let my self-consciousness about my body and the general intimidatiion factor stop me in the past. No more! I joined a pool a few months ago, with J, and we're going about twice a week, learning from a book how to swim. Tonight, I just felt so comfortable in the pool and it felt awesome. It's frigid cold here with a bit of snow and we were the only two people in the pool. It was great.

Other good things... I had sex the other night! That was momentous. Doesn't happen too often, but when it does, it's a good thing.

And... I made a pretty darn good cheesecake for the holiday potluck. I was also semi in-charge of the potluck, which was more exciting for me than it probably should have been.

I won a bottle of vodka at the yankee swap.

I feel comfortable with, and genuinely like, a large number of the people I work with.

My book is coming along really well. I'm thrilled with it, actually.

I've been playing Charlie Brown Christmas songs on the piano and have remembered how much I love playing, even though I think I'm regressing.

My sister's coming up (why do I always want to say down?) to visit next week.

My Xmas shopping has been done for a month.

I've decided I want a Kitchenaid mixer (ok, that's not really a positive thing, just a totally random thought that seemed worthy of mentioning for some reason).

I'm reading a ton and enjoying it a lot.

Oh! And I'm becoming a literacy tutor. Volunteer orientation next Saturday! That's another thing I've wanted to do for a long time and finally just took the steps to get started.

So, now that I've convinced myself that I'm not a totally terrible person, just a frequently disloyal and bitchy friend, I'm going to floss my teeth and get to bed.

Terrible, terrible friend

I'm not sure if I'm going through a phase, if it's just winter in Maine, or if I've just turned into a bitch, but I've had PMS-like symptoms for a month now. I'm talking irritability, bitchiness, brutal honesty, crabiness... you get the idea. A lot of it is taken out on my boss (stupid man), and the rest is taken out on my so-called friends, who most of the time, I can't stand.

Which of course, I love my friends. In small doses. I love everyone more in small doses, including J (though I can take considerably larger doses of him than anyone else). Anyway, in an attempt to get this out of my system so I can attempt to be nice to these people tomorrow, I'm just gonna bitch.

My friend D. God... she just makes her own bad luck like Ina Garten makes cheesecakes. She whips it up in the kitchen till its got a real good froth, and then smothers it all over herself. She's sweet (in her own way...LOVES animals and will do ANYTHING for an animal in need). She's smart... in some ways. She can get a job done, that's for sure, accurately and without complaining (mostly). So a year ago, she quit her job (where I met her and worked with her) because she didn't like some people and wasn't happy about changes going on at the company. I have to admit I kind of wanted her to leave, just because she can be very negative and moods wear off on my easily. She begged her old boss to hire her at her new company - she said she would clean the toilets...she didn't care. She took a pay cut (dumb) and left a pretty good gig, because of basically emotional reasons (dumb). So, it sucked over there and though she didn't have to clean toilets, she did have to clean chicken fryolaters (sp?). So she quit, burning her new boss pretty badly, and so feeling guilty about it and offering her freelance services at a reduced rate (dumb). She gets a new job, takes another pay cut (dumb), hates it, gets on reduced hours, starts freelancing at my company (where she hated it before but now is begging to come back to (dumb...never ever repeat your mistakes, even if you're convinced you fucked up IMHO). Then she quits her new job to freelance at my place wihtout any guarantee of how long it will last (DUMB) even knowing that my boss (her ex-boss) isn't thrilled with her and the director utterly hates her. So she's freelancing, and a whole bunch of people treat her like shit (she also treated certain people like shit while she was there...um, karma?), and has to take it because now she has no options and will most likely be completely without a job in 2 weeks. P.S. She cries every day over this and I feel guilty for not being able to do anything (though I don't want to anyway because I don't think I could deal with her every day).

Next, her cat died a year ago. The cat had problems and she kenw it. It was also a bit of a mean cat. But she's still crying over it. I AM sympathetic, but don't use your cat's death as proof that you are doomed in the world.

Then her house was completely ransacked. Ok, that sucked. Big time. A year ago.

Her house won't sell so she's stuck in the country.

So clearly she has it harder and rougher than anyone in the history of the universe. And if you try to tell her to look at the bright side, good luck to you. Yes, I've tried and regretted it every time.

Sigh... I feel bad for the girl, but snap out of it! Tell my company to fuck off and go wait tables if you have to. Pick yourself up off the ground and go off into the world fighting. She IS a fighter. She just needs to stop fucking crying.

Ok, so I'm mean. But I really just want the best for her. And now I have no energy left to complain about the rest of my friends. Darn! I"m going to finish making my cheesecake for my potluck, watch a netflix and get to bed early because I am tired!

Things on my mind today

Is it disloyal to complain about a manager to their manager's manager? If you like him? And you hate him?

Am I a total timid wimp who is incapable of fighting her own battles?

Am I friends with aggressive, Type A personalities (even though I really don't care for people with aggressive, Type A personalities) because I know they will feel sorry for me and fight my battles for me?

Am I a loser?

Do I have Seasonal Affective Disorder?

And most disturbing of all.... Have I become an exercise addict???

These questions and more on More Thanks, More Fish...the scintillating spinoff of Thanks for the Fish!

Ok, so I know that is soooo a sequel kind of name, but let's face it. More thanks is always a good thing. Gratitude has been CLINICALLY PROVEN to make you less depressed. And fish too! Coincidence?? I don't think so. More thanks + More Fish = Happier People.

Soo... today a coworker (type A, aggressive) and I talked with the VP (super cool, midwestern everyman) about the clusterfuck that is our little department. Ratted out our boss, came up with a better plan. I admitted that I nervous about talking to him and that I felt like a disloyal rat for doing that. Then he basically offered my coworker a management job and I just kind of sat there (on conference call) being silent and feeling like a timid wimp. My coworker, partly to my chagrin, said I should be a manager too. Oh god. So I sucked it up and told myself I didn't care about teh slight until the end of the day when I couldn't figure out why I was on the verge of tears. Ok, so it hurt my feelings! So what! I tell J this and he says "well that SHOULDN"T hurt your feelings." Yeah, I know, honey, but it did. It's ok to acknowledge that, right?

Anyhoo, work blows. I want to write my novel and become independently wealthy. I'm focusing on making that happen. Buuuttt...currently I'm obsessed with cooking. Ok, call me weird, but I bought a book called "1000 vegan recipes" and I'm super excited about working my way through it. Tonight: Creole Red Beans and Rice! I'm no vegan, or vegetarian for that matter, but I do love a culinary challenge and J is into this vegan thing so he can become a super human marathon runner. Bring it! You think I can't handle vegan? I can SO handle vegan. Tomorrow: Mac & Chard!

So maybe it's a coping mechanism to deal with the fact that I am totally miserable at work. What's your point?

And we've joined a pool! Last night we went and spent a full hour lying on our backs and learning how to balance. J, in typical style, has found a book from the library called Total Immersion, which teaches you how to swim. That's cool. Sometimes it's ok to be married to a freak. Otherwise I'd be splashing around in the pool with no clue what I'm doing. I also ran 4 miles yesterday. And get this, I DUG it! Hells yeah, who's a super athlete? Me!

I worked out tonight too. And there's yoga tomorrow. Run on Thursday, swim on Friday. I'm pretty much an animal.

And I'm stressed out about J going back to school. And am worried about money. And I don't sleep, but then I never did.

And now you are up to date!

How's everyone else?